Sunday, October 28, 2007
<{A Deeper Truth;
Mood: depressed (for the last 24 hours)
Listening to: When You're Gone by Hanson
Depression is really eating up every minute of my life.
Yesterday, I went (again) to school to audit the SAF collections for the enrollment. I was way too pissed with how my day started. Everything was bad. It's like something in me is engulfing the last spur of positiveness I have for life. For the first time, I scolded my fellow Student Council for being "too loud". And at that, our President knew something was really wrong with me. He tried inviting me to go to a party later that night, but I declined saying that I have to attend a debut celebration of my high school friend.
After all the b*llsh*t of that afternoon, I went home and got dressed for the debut. As if things couldn't get any worse that day, I went to our table for that night only to find out that I am only able to talk to one person at that table! Crap. Everyone else was just like a stranger to me. But that sole person went home early, so I was clearly isolated. I just thought of holding on for the next two hours, although I felt so foolish being alone. So I texted Ancel. I wish I just brought him there with me that night.
Worst than that is prolonging my loner facade for the night. I couldn't talk to anyone else, because someone whom I know wouldn't want to even see me that night is at the other table where all my other high school friends are. All I wanted to do last night was just burst in tears. Ancel was just calming me down though his text messages. I really didn't know what to do. I was faced with a loophole that I can't fix. It was pure b*llsh*t. I even felt that I'm not welcome in that party.
When it was all over, 2 of my high school friends (let's just leave them unnamed here) invited me to go to their table (where the person-who-so-not-want-to-see-me-that-night) was seated. I said yes, though I really felt the urge not to. They told me that the whole time, they knew I wasn't in the mood, and that I looked like crying. I just made the excuse that I did a lot of things for the Student Council and that I have been up late for the last few days (which is true, but just to avoid too much explanation of what's really going on in my mind). They told me I was "too quiet", which is of course the kind of person that I am (although last night, I was unusually quiet and unusually unreactive of things).
It was all bad, really. I didn't stay long after the party. I bade the debutant a good night and went home. All I did when I got to our car was cry silently, as my dad drove me home.
Until now, I'm trying hard not to look back on what happened the night before. But it's hard, knowing that I had so-called "friends" in high school. Things change, people change, and I don't feel the same anymore.
Why expect that everything will be the same?
Y i'M STiLL LOViNG iT! Y 1:44 PM
Monday, October 08, 2007
<{What Is Love Anyway?;
Mood: exhausted
Listening to: I Will Love Again (Ballad Reprise) by Lara Fabian
People say that your first love is the hardest to forget, but for me it's different. Maybe I don't know what love is, or I never knew how it all started. One thing's for sure.. I have loved.
I met him. We talked, laughed, exchanged stories.. and just about everything in life. I never thought that I'd fall for him this much. For the first time in my life, I wasn't drawn by sheer obsession or whatnot.. I was really in love.
I became inspired with all the things do. He inspires me to do well in everything. And yet, I have failed to read between the lines. All I saw was myself falling inlove, only me and no one else. He didn't feel the same, and the awful truth is that I've found out about it with my own eyes.
Then and there, I have lost all control. I couldn't feel a thing. I drowned myself in pity and hopeless romantic's melody. And until now, I feel that I'm just going through life not knowing where to go anymore. The same kind of passion that drove me to do great things just faded.
Now, I do things just to please people - but never to please myself. Never to satisfy myself.
I have lost. Maybe love wasn't meant for me, or that I got caught in its whirlwind too early. Maybe in time, maybe with another person.. MAYBE with the right person I'll be happy and that I'll learn my worth.
Y i'M STiLL LOViNG iT! Y 8:59 PM
