Thursday, March 20, 2008
<
{Why Don't We Just Fall In Love?;
Mood: shallow
Listening to: Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
Have you ever felt like wanting to just fall in love, and yet things seem to never fall into place? And that the thought of it just keeps you paranoid?
I've been going through this for the longest time possible (a year and a half, maybe?). I don't know! It's just that a lot of things have happened ever since I entered college, and that falling in love (or being in love) is the last thing I'm good at (or lucky to encounter) right now. God, I don't even know how to rationalize these things!
Well, I'll just state my point in two actual experiences:
CASE A - It is pathetically hard to get over something that never seemingly started; nor has it ever had any closure. You feel that you're connected with that significant other for quite some time; you have great vibes, you laugh at the things that only both of you can understand, you stay up late just for aimless conversations, and he walks you home (or in this case, to where you'll be meeting your mom). Then all of a sudden, he makes his move with another girl - while you stare them in the eye.
Hurtful, right? But then again, the part where your relationship never seemily started is emphasized here. Although this is probably the strangest situation to be in, I kind of missed it - for the companionship, maybe.
Moving on...
CASE B - I've had one of the best group of friends back in Freshman year (of college). They've kept me sane, just long enough to make me feel that I am a normal person. I've shared a lot of laughs with them, shared a meal or two, etc. I felt comfortable when I am with them - because I can be myself - especially with this guy.
I'm not sure if he can recall this, but I used to call him my "lunch buddy" because everytime we'd go out to eat, we'd always sit next to each other. There was a point in time when I came to like him, simply because of who he was.
A lot of things have happened since, still we remained good friends. Then during my 18th birthday celebration, he wrote a card that says "Crush q". Suddenly, I remembered how I asked him during Freshman year who his crush was, and he said "... ikaw (you)". After a few minutes, he denied it saying he was just fooling around. I realized that he has liked me ever since! (If he only knew how happy I was...). But I wasn't quite sure of how he meant by that, really. Was it probably a beginning of something? Or an end? Ever since that day, I was afraid of the unknown.
If he can read this (and I'm pretty sure he'll be able to read this): I like you too. There, I said it. So, where do we go from here?
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
2:13 AM
Thursday, January 10, 2008
<
{Cheers To The Year That Was~ 2007;
Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: May by Belle Epoque
During the first few days of the Year 2007, many astrologers foretold that people who were born under the Year of the Snake will have to put all their efforts in their work since it's a rough year for them. Well, I guess I proved those astrologers wrong!
Year 2007 has been a stepping stone in my life. I probably have been a little irreponsible along the way, but all my experiences molded me into what I have become today. It made me appreciate myself and the people around me more, and renewed my zest for life.
To sum it all up, here are most (if not all) of the highlights I've had for the past year:
- Dean's Lister for 2nd Semester of A.Y. 2006-2007
- Acting in Musical Theater Workshop at Cultural Center of the Philippines - Tanghalang Pilipino
- Blue Jeans 2007 (Recital Showcase)
- Supreme Student Council elections for A.Y. 2007-2008
- Community Diagnosis days at Laguna/Park Ave/Cityland Vito Cruz
- Bonding Moments with new-found friends during our sem. break (October 2007)
- Students' Day 2007
- My first ever MYX Mo! 2007 with Ali, Steph and Christian
- My everyday get-away with Ali at MOA, Starbucks... and just everywhere!
- MY MOST MEMORABLE 18TH DEBUT CELEBRATION with family, friends, relatives and schoolmates!
- MY MOST MEMORABLE CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION!
- Grabbed 2 Starbucks Planners for 2008; one for me, one for my dad!
- (For the first time in a a few years or so) - My parents' happy, happy, HAPPY 35th Wedding Anniversary!
- My family's first-ever stress-free and less-smoke-in-the-air New Year's Eve. Haha!
Well, looking back I have never been this happy in my life! That's why I've decided to make this one my first blog entry for the Year 2008... and hopefully it won't be the last "din", because right now I'm transforming my Starbucks Planner into a scrapbook of daily happenings in my life. Meaning, I will most likely blog only about stuff that really matters... and will blog lesser and lesser each month or even after a few months or so!
Since writing is almost like a "lost art" in this modern era of technology, I've decided to temporarily abandon blogging in place of my scrapbooking and weekly Multiply site updates.
So that's about it... I really have no idea how to end this one, because I'm still hoping this won't be my last entry, right? Just a good cheer to all those who are celebrating 2008!
Celebrate life!.. and always put a smile on your face every day of the year!
366 days in a year, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day~
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
12:24 AM
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
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{From Sweetie to Just Plain Scary..;
Mood: So effin' confused and anxious
Listening to: Forever by The Ambassadors
Geez~ In this entry, I may end up labeling guys to mere stereotypical beings... but in the end you'll find out that I am just being logical.
I won't drop hints to who he is, but if every you're that someone who knows what I'm talking about - keep it that way. And maybe, just maybe... if HE is the one reading this - now you'll know why I've suddenly gone cold.
I first met this guy way back during my Freshman year. Yes, he is handsome and seems nice. But all those good facade crumbled right at my feet. Everything that I thought I knew about him (and what other people think about him) are changing in a very rapid pace. It just makes me want to ask, "What the hell have you done to yourself?"
The fact that I do like him in a way doesn't mean 'I am head over heels' with him. It just doesn't make any sense! A few months back, he was still nice and sweet; but just a few weeks ago... he starts to scare the hell out of me.
I know for a fact that he likes someone else (and is trying to court her, mind you) BUT why is he 'somewhat' flirting with me? At first, I felt that he was just being childish... but just recently did I think things over and thought that MAYBE he's trying to put an 'investment' in me (you know, like trying to win over me so that if ever that significant other crushes him to the ground he has me as his last resort).
At first, I was confused of his motives... then I started to get pissed when reality sinks in... and just last night, HE REALLY, REALLY SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME! For some strange way though, he is reminiscent of my ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago. *Geez, why do I always fall for the same kind of guy?*
Here's the deal:
He always says, 'I love you/I miss you';
He always hugs me from behind;
At times, he'll try to hold my hand;
When I'm pissed, he'll suddenly grab me to give a hug;
AND
(just last night)
He whispered something that I couldn't understand (but it sounded like a 4-letter word)
(And aside from these, there are a lot of things he did as well... but I won't write it down.)
The last one really scared me. My best guy friend told me to "Stay away from that guy or else he'll punch him right in the face" when he sees him. My other guy friend told me that "he is becoming sort-of s**ual with his actions... better push him off when you get the chance to."
Crap, I was supposed to be doing a lot of things at this very moment but I needed something to remove these things from my head. Maybe I really do have to follow my girlfriends on their single opinion...
"Play his game."
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
3:14 AM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
<
{A Deeper Truth;
Mood: depressed (for the last 24 hours)
Listening to: When You're Gone by Hanson
Depression is really eating up every minute of my life.
Yesterday, I went (again) to school to audit the SAF collections for the enrollment. I was way too pissed with how my day started. Everything was bad. It's like something in me is engulfing the last spur of positiveness I have for life. For the first time, I scolded my fellow Student Council for being "too loud". And at that, our President knew something was really wrong with me. He tried inviting me to go to a party later that night, but I declined saying that I have to attend a debut celebration of my high school friend.
After all the b*llsh*t of that afternoon, I went home and got dressed for the debut. As if things couldn't get any worse that day, I went to our table for that night only to find out that I am only able to talk to one person at that table! Crap. Everyone else was just like a stranger to me. But that sole person went home early, so I was clearly isolated. I just thought of holding on for the next two hours, although I felt so foolish being alone. So I texted Ancel. I wish I just brought him there with me that night.
Worst than that is prolonging my loner facade for the night. I couldn't talk to anyone else, because someone whom I know wouldn't want to even see me that night is at the other table where all my other high school friends are. All I wanted to do last night was just burst in tears. Ancel was just calming me down though his text messages. I really didn't know what to do. I was faced with a loophole that I can't fix. It was pure b*llsh*t. I even felt that I'm not welcome in that party.
When it was all over, 2 of my high school friends (let's just leave them unnamed here) invited me to go to their table (where the person-who-so-not-want-to-see-me-that-night) was seated. I said yes, though I really felt the urge not to. They told me that the whole time, they knew I wasn't in the mood, and that I looked like crying. I just made the excuse that I did a lot of things for the Student Council and that I have been up late for the last few days (which is true, but just to avoid too much explanation of what's really going on in my mind). They told me I was "too quiet", which is of course the kind of person that I am (although last night, I was unusually quiet and unusually unreactive of things).
It was all bad, really. I didn't stay long after the party. I bade the debutant a good night and went home. All I did when I got to our car was cry silently, as my dad drove me home.
Until now, I'm trying hard not to look back on what happened the night before. But it's hard, knowing that I had so-called "friends" in high school. Things change, people change, and I don't feel the same anymore.
Why expect that everything will be the same?
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
1:44 PM
Monday, October 08, 2007
<
{What Is Love Anyway?;
Mood: exhausted
Listening to: I Will Love Again (Ballad Reprise) by Lara Fabian
People say that your first love is the hardest to forget, but for me it's different. Maybe I don't know what love is, or I never knew how it all started. One thing's for sure.. I have loved.
I met him. We talked, laughed, exchanged stories.. and just about everything in life. I never thought that I'd fall for him this much. For the first time in my life, I wasn't drawn by sheer obsession or whatnot.. I was really in love.
I became inspired with all the things do. He inspires me to do well in everything. And yet, I have failed to read between the lines. All I saw was myself falling inlove, only me and no one else. He didn't feel the same, and the awful truth is that I've found out about it with my own eyes.
Then and there, I have lost all control. I couldn't feel a thing. I drowned myself in pity and hopeless romantic's melody. And until now, I feel that I'm just going through life not knowing where to go anymore. The same kind of passion that drove me to do great things just faded.
Now, I do things just to please people - but never to please myself. Never to satisfy myself.
I have lost. Maybe love wasn't meant for me, or that I got caught in its whirlwind too early. Maybe in time, maybe with another person.. MAYBE with the right person I'll be happy and that I'll learn my worth.
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
8:59 PM
Monday, September 10, 2007
<
{Sinking Into Depression;
Mood: pissed off/stressed/depressed/frustrated
Listening to: Mighty to Save (from Hillsong Australia)
Okay. After a gazillion years of not blogging, I'll keep this one short somehow.
SCHOOL IS KILLING ME, swear! I tried persuading my parents (again) to let me shift courses.
The catch? They wanted me to take up LAW. But the most painful part of it is not shifting courses, but rather leaving behind a lot of responsibilities and things that I've achieved through all my efforts during the past year.
Well, in the first place I really didn't want to be so stuck up in Nursing. The second is I "tried" to persuade my parents because I feel that I am going nowhere. Nursing IS a good course - but it's not something that I'll take up seriously and whole-heartedly, not unless I forget that I once had a dream...
Last week, I got most of my midterm grades and I was gravely disappointed. It's not because I want to compete with others, rather it has been my impulse to get high grades (even back then). It was so frustrating to have studied hard, and yet I still feel like everything's in discord.
Last Friday and Saturday, I felt like committing... (insert a negative word here). I don't know. Somehow for the first time in my life, I almost gave up on something. Being in the community that day tired me so much that I couldn't think sensibly anymore, plus having too much negative thoughts probably poisoned my mind. A lot has happened, really.
A few hours ago, I tried desperately to do my Statistics homework - to no avail. I couldn't understand a f***ing thing, and in a weird way I forgot all the methods in solving it. I couldn't comprehend anything. Then I tried studying for our Microbiology exam, and I couldn't focus.. then I started sobbing uncontrollably.
So I went online, went to Google.com and typed in "depression, wikipedia". True enough, I'm now suffering from Depression and Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Personality - with 8 out of 10 symptoms present.
It was crazy. Now it's already morning and I have an 8:30 class.. I haven't studied for the Statistics quiz, I haven't done my homework, I haven't given much thought on our upcoming Family Case Presentation.. and it's all because of that f***ing depression thing.
It's hopeless.
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
1:22 AM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
<
{The Return of Supergirl (?);
Mood: sleepy, bored - and yet still busy
Listening to: Don't Matter by Akon
After a few weeks of silence, I've finally decided to blog again. Yay! But seriously, these past few weeks have been the CRAZIEST ones in my life (and until now, it still is). Imagine juggling my time for school and acting workshop... now that's no joke. Add to that my obligations in the Student Council, and it's called a pretty good formula for toxicity. I'm already feeling invisible wrinkles creeping up my forehead. Geez~
Anyway, a lot has happened during those weeks. I've graduated (yey!) from the acting workshop, with our culminating activity "Blue Jeans". Sportsfest 2007 in MDC has been held for almost 2 weeks, I've had my last hurrah with my new iPod video (yey, yey, YEY!) and until now, I'm still being too grade-conscious with my grades at school... AND I STILL LACK SLEEP! To think that I've aced those 3 minor subjects for the midterms, with grades of 90-91-92 respectively.
But going back to reality, I'm still very busy. So I'd just update later or you can just view my multiply site for the pictures of our showcase during our workshop's culminating activity.
Adios (for now)!
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
9:00 PM
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
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{Reconsidering my Starbucks planner;
Mood: pissed with all the mosquitoes
Listening to: Say It Right by Nelly Furtado
I just got home 2 hours ago from Chie's graduation at CSR. T'was a reunion for me since I rarely visit my Alma Mater. My old teachers, friends, acquaintances and so on.
So much about that! I just had this mental note about my Starbucks planner (which I just placed somewhere at home and never touched after I got it). As I remember it, I was supposed to make it my 'mini everyday journal' with tidbits of what happened that day instead of a planner. But needless to say, it never happened. That's why right now I'm actually renewing my plans so that my freakin' 2 or 3 thousand bucks-worth of Starbucks planner won't go to waste.
But before all that, Gian & Patricia (old schoolmates/co-theater people) invited me to enroll at Repertory Philippine's summer acting workshop. REPERTORY!!! For crying out loud! I was looking for that big breakthrough, but I never found that effin' workshop offer a few weeks ago. Technically, I already enrolled at CCP-Tanghalang Pilipino's workshop. If only that offer had reached me a few weeks earlier.. darn it! (Still sulking in the lost opportunity big time).
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
8:03 PM
Monday, March 26, 2007
<
{After My Online Slumber;
Mood: recharged (at last!)
Listening to: First of Summer by Urbandub
It has been 5 weeks or so since I last blogged. So to speak, it has been a whirlwind of things during those weeks. Where have I been to anyway? Let me enumerate some of the places I went to, and things I did there (in no particular order)..
Breadtalk - the ultimate food trip with my friends @ Mall of Asia
KRISPY KREME - my first ever (!) with my dad @ Bonifacio High Street
Student Council office - my typical everyday "workplace"
Shakey's - one heck of a lunch with SC
St. Paul College Manila - watched the musical, 'O Moises'
* Speech Choir Competition @ MDC (elims & finals)
** FINALS WEEK!!!
CCP-Tanghalang Pilipino - enrolled for Acting in Musical Theater workshop~
Well, there it goes. And if that wasn't enough, add up the times that I've been studying (yes, you've read that right) for my subjects since I've been so grade-conscious during the past weeks. Now you'll probably understand why I haven't blogged for that long amidst the fact that I'm always online.
Anyway, it's a great bummer since our summer vacation's relatively short this time (just 3 freakin' weeks!), and that's not the end of it. I only get to enjoy 2 weeks of it since I'm going to start my workshop under CCP-TP on April 10 under Roeder Camañag and Nazer Salcedo. It's a dream come true, of course since I was able to convince my parents this time around. After that, I have to juggle my summer classes @ MDC while pursuing my workshops. Woah!~
It was my decision, though. No regrets about it. That's why I'm trying to get enough rest as much as possible, so I won't wear out easily.
I'll just get in touch some other time. Just visit my multiply page for some updates (check the link somewhere in this page).
P.S. : Haeja, I'm still figuring out some things on your blog. I'm working on it..
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
2:51 PM
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
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{LOVE-less dilemma;
Mood: anxious/slightly depressed
Listening to: What Goes Around Comes Around by Justin Timberlake
It's been a month since my 'seemingly unexcusable yet sensible' leave from blogging, and up to now I'm still finding myself caught up in a lot of things. Seriously, I was always online for a couple of hours or so, but somehow I couldn't find the right things to say.. I got a hold of myself just now.
LOVE-less? Too true. Well, I kinda like this guy from school but I will not go through all the details. This time, I have to learn to keep in all the good while it's still there. But to tell you the truth, I was actually hoping for him to make a move.. somehow. For crying out loud! It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, and as usual I'll be sulking in a corner with no lovelife, no nothing, and an absolute proclamation of my pseudo-bitterness towards love. Pretty weird that you're hearing this from me, huh?
Enough about that! FYI: Our effin' internet connection's got berserk and is already out for the last 4 days! What the ****? And because of this, I realized that I became too dependent on technology to satisfy me whenever I arrive from school and do all attempts to relieve myself of stress.
Oh well, reality bites are really important every now and then. Tsk, tsk.
We had our Anatomy laboratory exam this afternoon, and it was the worst 5-10 minutes of my life. Its coverage were the Respiratory & Endocrine system, and I'm glad I'm not the only one finding it TOO complex. The course subject's not that hard, mind you, but I seriously think it has to do with our set of professors. I swear I never felt worst than anything else. I mean, ask my classmates - they're surely let you in on their grudge. Darn it! Well, so much for my attempt to excel in Anatomy.
Going back, LOVE-less dilemma (put a stress on 'dilemma'). I hope I will survive Valentine's Day tomorrow, even though it also meant getting through our Anatomy lecture exam (darn it!!!). Oh crap... I hope he... (insert lovey-dovey verb here).
P.S.: View Donna's blog!^^ Aww~ I find it really sweet, sis! Thanks!
Y
i'M STiLL LOViNG iT!
Y
7:43 PM
